Earning Trust and the Tooth Fairy with Amanda

Chris: Hello, world. Welcome to Can We Complain, the podcast where we rant, gripe and talk smart to get you ramped up. In this episode, Amanda joins us to vent about the mess of children earning trust and respect, boundaries, the tooth fairy, and toilet paper. Be sure to follow us on all the socials, @canwecomplain, and let us know what drives you crazy. See you on the flip side.

VO: Can we complain?

Chris: Amanda is my neighbor and we met this summer down at the pool. We live in the same building and we have not complained about the building at all.

Amanda: Oh, never. Never. It’s amazing.

Chris: We would never complain about this building.

Amanda: That’s not the majority of our texts at all.

Chris: No, definitely not. It’s a wonderful place to live and we only have positive things to say about it.

Amanda: Amen.

Chris: Yes. So this summer when we met, we were down at the pool at the building, and it was interesting because you said, my name when you were speaking to somebody else. And then I turned around because I thought you were talking to me. And I’m like, hello. Or, I didn’t say hello, I just thought you were talking to me.

Amanda: You, like, clutched your pearls. It was amazing. So my partner, my boyfriend’s name is Chris. He was, you know, of course, chucking wiffle balls. I have a bajillion children, which I’m sure we’ll get to. So they’re all playing in the pool, and nobody really wants to play in the pool with their kids. Like, maybe they say, I don’t know, maybe somebody does. I don’t. I wantn tan. I wantn read my book. Right. Chris is sitting at the end of our bench, My Chris. And he’s like, you’re also my Chris. But my boyfriend Chris is like, checking withfle balls with the kids and almost hits like an old womanuse. It’s a diverse population here. Yeah, that’s a nice way to say it. Right?

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: And, I just go, chris kind of like, oh, my God, I almost hit somebody. And this Chris podcast extraordinaire, Chris, turns and like, has this beautiful, like, is it silk? Like, looked like silk, like, robe on’itely.

Chris: Not that expensive.

Amanda: Ye. Well, you looked real good. And he, like, turns, clasps his robe together and is like, what? And I was like, oh, your name must be Chris. Sorry. But then I’m like, now I think we’re meant to be best friends. and the rest is history.

Chris: Yes.

Amanda: Yeah.

Chris: And it was great. My sister in law’s name is Amanda, and So when you said your name was Amanda, I. My brothers were visiting.

Amanda: Yah.

Chris: And we had been day drinking. So for my first takeaway was, oh, good, I’ll remember her name. And it’s funny how that happens.

Amanda: Yes.

Chris: But it was also, of course, ironic that I’m like, wow, you’re saying my name and you’re not talking to me. And then it’s like being introduced to another Chris. I’m always like, hello, Chris. I’m Chris. I don’t know why this is so weird. It’s not weird at all.

Amanda: Well, Amanda was that name too. Like, I went to school with six Amandas, and it’s like, Amanda A, Amanda B, Amanda C, Amanda G. I like, okay, whatever.

Chris: Yeah, yeah. I happened to not really like any other Chris’when I was a kid, that I went to school with. They were all weird. Now, as an adult, I’ve met several Chriss that I do like.

Amanda: Yeah, good.

Chris: So I think it was just something in the water. In the hellhole community I was raised in.

Amanda: Right. I was the only nerdy Amanda. They’re all popular. And Mandy’s. And I hate the name. I am not a Mandy. I mean, look, if you know me in real life, there’s nothing Mandy about me. I m mean, May. No. no, it’s bad. I’m not a Mandy. I can’t. And, Mandy Moore. Like, it was all these popular girls. I was like, I’m in marching band. Do, do, do, do.

Chris: So, you know, and it’s funny that when we were chatting before we started recording, you asked me a question, and I answered it in a silly way, I guess, or something. And you asked me what annneagram sign I am, and I said a three. And you were also a three.

Amanda: Yeah. You were in the freezer getting ice for our drinks. And I’m like, wait, I just had a feeling. I’m like, what? Wait, what do you know about the enneagram? What’s your enneagram? You’re like a three. So while your back was turned, I was literally doing this. Like, my arms were pumping in the air, and I was like, you know, raising the roof, because that’s still a dance move. I don’t give a fuck. I’m still doing it. because I’m a 3. 2. I’m ending gram 3. And I’m just like, I’m so proud of you. Like, this whole, like, I’m gonna do it. And then within weeks, it’s done. There’s images, there’s graphics, there’s Color, there’s vision. I, know your head is, like, spinning and you’re working your ass off, and, like, a lot of people won’t see that, but also not everybody can do it. Like, not everybody can keep up with this pace. And I’m just, like, the energy in me that knows what it takes to do this and believe in yourself. Like, this is fucking amazing. And I’m super proud of you and super thrilled as a fellow three to be on the podcast.

Chris: So, yes, thank you so much. I am taking that in and accepting that, and I wa wantna. Thank you very much. it is challenging sometimes when you’re working on things, and I tend to be hypersensitive to when people diminish or underplay the efforts that go into things simply because they see final products, they see the results of efforts. It’s a little bit. Reminds me of the meme of, like, the iceberg, where people see the success as what’s above the water and then all the shit that’s underwater that takes to get there. And not that it’s a destination, but even just something like. I’ve been thinking about putting together a podcast for years. I’ve been putting it off because I know how much work goes into it, and I don’t have a partner in crime. I’m just going to do it and then eventually, or if I was going to do it, I was going toa have to do it. Like, no one was going to do this for me.

Amanda: Right.

Chris: and then it crossed my mind, over this summer that. Well, actually, let me think it was before this summer. I’m gonna go on a tangent about this. So it was last fall, I believe I was traveling home to visit family. And I used to listen to podcasts when I would travel, basically.

Amanda: Yeah.

Chris: Long drives, planes, trains, automobiles, and.

Amanda: Wait, boats, though.

Chris: I haven’t done a boat for a hot minute.

Amanda: Okay, no, cruises at least.

Chris: You know, I mean, I’ve been on boats, but not going any far away.

Amanda: Yeah, we’re not getting murdered on cruises. Keep going. So you’re listening to podcasts, you’re driving.

Chris: I’m listening to podcasts. And, I have been suggested a few by friends, and there are some that I enjoy and I like. And I always get inspired to come up with topics based on their conversations, that it triggers something in me. And then I have, in the notes app on my phone, I have this, yes, running list of all of these episode ideas or topic ideas. And, for the longest time, I bet I’ve been batting the idea around. And then something happened this last summer into fall where I connected the dots about not needing a partner in crime to get it started. most podcasts that I listen to have either might have two hosts and you kind of get into their relationship, you know, like their friendship, their bond, the things they learn together. Yes. And you learn things together with them. And so I’ve always liked that. But I didn’t feel like I had a person that I could rely on to be here every week doing something with me, etc. And it’s hard for me to, I don’t want to say it’s hard for me to say that, but it sucks to say that out loud because I am surrounded by talented, funny, smart people. And so that is where something came out of that, where I was like, I don’t actually need someone to do this with me. I can do it myself. And I can ask the people around me to be on this podcast acting as if, in a sense, as if they’re like co hosts or there are reoccurring guests. Like I’m assuming that everyone that I’ve recorded with. Yeah. Is coming back because, it’s fun, there’s great conversations, we have some fun banter, share experiences, yada yada yada. It doesn’t need to be me and someone who’s always going to be there with me. If that changes, then that’s great. But I recognize that I just needed to pull the trigger and just go ahead and do it. Know at some point ye talk to talk, walk the walk.

Amanda: You are doing it.

Chris: It is what it is. and I appreciate that. Thank you very much.

Amanda: Oh, I think it’s a really misunderstood thing. I think, threes are often the leaders and like go getters. if people don’t know Enneagram, I’m so sorry. Just Google Enneagram free personality test and do something. It’s just this way of understanding. There’s like Myers bricks, there’s all these personality tests. I think what Enneagram really helps with is understanding like how you’re raised, where you came from and how it helps you solve conflict and approach the world as an adult. Right. and threes are go getters. And I think what people see about that is like, oh my God, Chris put together this. He’s a fantastic look at this podcast. And I don’t think people mean to diminish the behind the scenes work. or any of that. I just. Because they honestly, they probably couldn’t do it themselves. And that’s not an insult. It’s like, it takes a certain kind of passion to. And I. That’s what I want to commend you for, is, like, you. Once you. That light bulb went on where you were like, oh, I don’t have to do it the way everybody else is. It doesn’t have to be two or three. I. I can do this. And then you did. Once a light goes on, you can do anything. And, it. I think it. I know from personal experience, like, it inspires people. So I am very excited to be a return guest. That’s the three in me knowing that I’m gonna kill it and come back. I love. I m. Am, like, excited that we’re gonna, like, know this about each other. but. But something I think a lot of people don’t see in threes is whatever it took the leading up. Like, imagine, like, the hill to where you got to the point where you were re. Like, hell, yeah, I can do this by myself. That hill is really vulnerable and really scary. And all that thinking and all that processing and that note taking and like, the, you know, like the notes where you have these podcast ideas, like, they’re yours and they’re private and, like, what it takes to then be like, now this belongs to other people, and it’s out there that’s very vulnerable. And so now you’re doing it. And that’s why I’m like, I am your. I don’t know if I’m your number one. That Rebel is probably your number one cheerleader. Does the podcast know who Rebel is?

Chris: I don’t know that I’ve really talked about. I’ve referenced my dog because I referenced his dog hair, but I haven’t actually talked about Rebel.

Amanda: Rebel needs a, u. Instagram post.

Chris: Okay, yes, agree.

Amanda: We’re getting sidetracked on this, but I, I’m pumping you up. But it is important because I think, it’s a weird industry and the things that you’re talking about matter. And I’m proud of you for climbing the hill and then inviting other people in. Like, you are doing it alone, you know, talented people. But again, it’s not your responsibility to include people just because they exist. Like, it’s your vision. So, yes, all the snaps, all the things. This is amazing. I will continue to remind you how great you are. And.

Chris: Yeah, well, only do it a little bit because, you know, along one thing that happens with some threes is that we can have a healthy ego. So while I understand that I Mean, I hear everything that you’re saying. I also know that I’m a fucking rock star. So.

Amanda: Right.

Chris: It’s this weird.

Amanda: It’s this weird place. No, I know. I’m badass.

Chris: It’s a weird place to be.

Amanda: So you’re like, yes, you are a rock star. That’s the comment that you made in the kitchen. I was like, oh, my God, what if you, like, blow up and this takes off and you’re famous? And your response was, yeah, like, it could happen. and that’s the thing.

Chris: Like, I don’t know how if this. This feels like it has a touch of, spirituality to it, which is an interesting word to say with this example. but my entire life, I’ve known that something is going to happen in my life that’s going to be awesome. It’s going to be extraordinary. And, I’ve already had some life experiences that people are like, photos or it didn’t happen kind of situation. And I, Not. I’m not trying to brag. I think what I’m talking about is at those times in life where I am stressed, I feel defeated. I feel like there are mountains to climb and that I’m misunderstood, or I’m not getting traction, you know, all the negative things that can happen in life. Part of the reason that I’ve gotten through a lot of the trials and tribulations of my life is because I do have a belief inside of me that’s triggered by something outside of me, that something really good is going to happen for me now. What sucks about that is all of the years that maybe not such amazing things have happened for me, and then, like, those struggles in life and then people. I don’t expect people to understand that. So then if I’m talking about, like, oh, you know, I don’t really share that with people. I feel like there’s less than five people that have heard me say that in my life, because I don’t want it to sound like I’m like, oh, no, I know I’m going to be a star. It’s not about being a star. It’s about having something happen where all of this effort, all of these efforts, all of the work and all of the ups and all of the downs will be worth it because something’s going to be great. And I don’t know what that is.

Amanda: You know, I think we have this, like, identity. Like, we’re our own weirdest and worst critic. So when you’re like, I don’t want to sound Like, I’m, like, bragging, or, like, this big thing’s gonna happen to me. We don’t see you that way. Nobody sees you that way. And I think the fact that you’re even worried about it shows your humility and commitment to your own journey. And I think people. What I’ve been told is people need threes, or people like us who dream big. But just as big and just as important is somebody hoping maybe someday they can adopt a child. Right. I work in foster care and social work. Or somebody hoping that maybe someday, who knows, like, they will buy their own home. Those are all. No, like, each person has a different goal, same level, same importance, and that energy that we give encourages people. So, yeah, no, like, I’m not thinking you want to be famous for famous sake. It’s. I have this feeling that something can happen. And what I think we often fail to realize about ourselves. And this speaks for everybody. Any enneagram, any number, any whatever. When it does happen, we’re such a part of it. So there is this external part. There’s a spiritual part, like, God, I feel something. I’m, after it. Like, how do I do this? This is my drive. This is my motivation. And I just. That’s the credit I’m trying to give you is like. And then you act on it. When people are scared to take that step, we show them how we keep trying. And I think I’m very thankful that I have a friend like you who is willing to try big things, you know?

Chris: Oh, thank you.

Amanda: Yeah.

Chris: And I echo that sentiment. I think success means different things, different people. And, like, when I was younger, I definitely bought into the whole American notion of what success is in that, like, fantasy world of fame, riches, blah, blah, blah. And now it is definitely less about that. I’m more like, I just wish I could live a comfortable life doing something that I enjoy. And if I meet that expectation that I’m gonna be like, I fucking did it. And I think my extra thing would be finding a partner or love or being part of a family that I build or something out there that isn’t so much. I don’t know what that thing is. Yeah, we’ll see.

Amanda: We’ll see. And I’ll be there, and it’ll be episode whatever, you know? But, yeah, we’ll see.

Chris: We’ll see. I’m so glad that you, are here today to talk about a few things. The meeting each other at the pool this summer.

Amanda: Yes.

Chris: You referenced your gaggle of children.

Amanda: Ye. Yeah. I’m a Mother Goose for sure.

Chris: Yes. So how do you even go about describing you and the brood?

Amanda: Okay, well, I love to tell the story of me in the dating world. So I got married young. I was, 19. Super, whatever. That’s a different story we don’t need to get into. But I didn’t have. When I, When I got married, it was 2007. 2007. And I did not know about dating apps. I didn’t know about any of that. So fast forward, I’m separated amicably. Like, I love my kid, dad, great situation. But I’m dating. Right. And, I, you know, you have these options of, like, do you have kids? Are you open to more kids? All this kind of stuff. And I said, new. So I’d get in these phone calls with guys. I, I, I date men and women, but it was mostly men who was scared of having this conversation. They’d be like, oh, I noticed your profile said you have kids. Like, how many kids do you have? And I would just, like, everything in me would clench up.

Chris: O. Yeah.

Amanda: And I would say, how many is too many? I don’t know. I try to make a joke out of it. Right.

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: Because I have eight. I have eight kids and two grandkids, and I’m 37 years old, and it’s wild. It’s wild. but, that’s one of those things that I care about what people think, and. And also, I care about protecting my kids. So it, it was both scary and so important that it was one of the first things out there. if I’m not interested in dating somebody, I don’t give a shit what you think about how many kids I have. I’m like, I’ve got eight kids. I’m super proud. So we, I have, I always say I’ve made three. Like, I have birthed three children, and my other five kids are adopted. And, that leads into the work that I do. I’m a licensing social worker, so I help families do foster care and adoption. And. Yeah. So many children. Never planned it, but it’s great. I love it.

Chris: Yes. And I know. And I have to ask you that question, because I even am going, like, yeah, do I say, okay, so you have eight kids? And then we’s just move on from that? I mean, it’s not a standard number for a person today in 2024. I was gonna say 2014.

Amanda: Oh, my God, we’re old. It’s fine. no, it isn’t a standard number. And I, I feel Like, I feel like I’m speaking out of, like, the 20s, and I’m like that woman in the dust bowl picture where I’m just, like, sitting on my porch, like, with my chin in my hands and like, oh, God, so many kids. But that’s not what it feels like. Like, I love it. It doesn’t feel like eight. Like, I love being a mom in my head before, like, we came to record, I was like, u, I just don’t want it to be all about being a mom or all about kids. And you gave me some topic ideas, and I was like, not the kid stuff. And then the more I thought about it, everything was about the kid stuff. And that’s okay. I don’t say that my identity is as a mom, but it also. It is. And so some of the things that we might talk about today are very much about, like, kids and parenting. And my opinion, on kids who are assholes. Can I say that? Is that bad?

Chris: Yeah, you can say kids are assholes.

Amanda: I mean, some of my kids are assholes at times. Yeah.

Chris: Every. When I was a kid, I was an asshole. Sometimes I wasn’t.

Amanda: But that’s because my mom was scary.

Chris: That’s okay. Yeah, my mom was scary too, but. Ye. Yeah, yeah. Another day, another day. Yes. I love how we keep skirting on things that it’s like, okay, yeah, maybe not today. Maybe not today. It’s so funny. The reason I was asking about the kids is because of how we met at the pool and you had some kids there, and then you yelled at Chris, and I turned around in a grand, dramatic fashion. but I imagine with having a lot of kids at home. I don’t know how many kids live with you right now.

Amanda: I have six.

Chris: Okay.

Amanda: Yep.

Chris: So six kids are living at home.

Amanda: Yes.

Chris: I imagine that that means there must be stuff everywhere. Children stuff. Kids stuff. Teenagers leave things. There must be stuff everywhere.

Amanda: Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You say kids stuff, as in, my Legos are on the floor. And there’s all those memes about, like, I walked out of my room and, oh, my God, that hurts worse than stepping on glass. But it’s not just kids stuff. It’s stuff you wouldn’t expect. So my partner, the other Chris, the less important than you Chris, and my. The face you’re making.

Chris: Yeah. I’m like, I didn’t say that.

Amanda: No, but he’ll love it. He knows I’m kidding. and then my kid’s dad, we have a group like thread chat where we send each other pictures of weird Stuff that we find that the kids do, it’s like, it is unbelievable. The level of like, self awareness. Like, okay, for example. Hey, buddy, the target order just showed up. We’re gonna unpack our groceries. We’re gonna put them in the fridge. I need kid A, B and C to help me unpack groceries. Oh, look, there’s a six pack of toilet paper. Can you put three in my bathroom and three in your bathroom? Thank you. I love you. You’re beautiful and precious. And they do three and three. But then the fucking wrapper for the toilet paper is on the floor. I’m like, dude, just put it away. Put it away. They also love dessert. I’m done buying individually packaged anything. Cause I’m like, oh, cool. Ice cream bar is great. This is amazing. the wrappers are everywhere. They’re shoved on the couch. They’re dropped on the floor. This morning, I’m not lying, I found, you know, like those little individual mandarin oranges like that you. Yeah, three on my counter. I go out to the kitchen. like, who, who ate oranges this morning? Like, the garbage is like a foot. I’m in a fuck tiny ass apartment for what I pay for it. Right? I mean, love, love our apartment. Ye put in the trash. Wasn’t mine, wasn it? T mine. Wasn’t mine. There’s clothes, there’s. Yeah, I mean, it’s just like, it’s like a tornado, went through. And I know so many parents say that, but it’s true. Like, whatever they touch, they like, absorb what they need and then like drop it everywhere. And it, honestly, it is not just the kids. It’s, you know, I mean, not to like point thinkers. And I know my boyfriend’s gonna listen, but people leave shit places and I’m just like, clean it up, man.

Chris: Like, yeah, well, the most experience that I have with that as far as my friends, I certainly have many friends that have kids. And so I hear about the kids, but most often I hear it about men, partners and husbands and boyfriends of my girlfriends who they are picking up after them constantly. And I think it’s one of those things where. Okay, so never. I’ve actually never lived with another person, like a romantic partner or anything like that. Sure. and so I’mnna speak from the lens of someone who knows what’s going on and says what they would do when they’ve never done it before.

Amanda: Right.

Chris: Which is I would have a basket, like a wicker something where I could go around, before dinner, whatever, probably at the same time every day because I’m who I am and just pick up all the random shit. You’re wallet, your keys, your paperwork, your blah, blah, blah, Put it in this thing and put it on a bookshelf or in a cabinet somewhere where when they are like, have you seen my blah, blah, blah? I say, where is your shit? And then they go find it. Because my annoyance isn’t necessarily about that they leave things places. It’s that people feel obliged to put things away them for them. And that’s something that I think I could mentally do to separate. Like I don’t have to be as upset about picking up your shit because I’m just putting it in a thing and putting it where it goes. And then you can deal with it. Now that’s me being like, you know, ah, look at me. The world’s so easy. And I always sing on key. when in all reality’t like you. I don’t think that that’s how it works. And I just can’t imagine having to pick up having so many other people’s stuff to have around and to deal with.

Amanda: Yeah.

Chris: so do you ever lose your cool? Do you ever like, freak out about things being around?

Amanda: I mean, are you calling cps? No, I’m just kidding. That’s a terrible joke.

Chris: I love how I laughed. You’re like, that’s terrible.

Amanda: And I’m like, well, I work with CPS on a regular basis. No, I do. I lose my cool. I raise my voice. I think you’re hitting the nail on the head. It’s when it feels disrespectful. Because here’s the deal. I like. So I love to sew and I love to paint. Sometimes you’re in the middle of a project and leave your stuff out. I feel like there’s a difference between leaving something out because it’s in process. Or like you watch TV and you had a couple glasses of wine and you left the remote and your glasses on the table. Okay. But then there’s follow through. And what, what it feels like with the kids is I went into your room, used your makeup and your hairdryer, and you’re this and you’re that and then just walked away. You know, so it’s like. It’s like they’ll walk away. And I put so much effort into teaching them how to be respectful. And I guarantee you if they came up and they did, if they came up into your apartment and walk your dog, which they did, they would put everything right. Back where. Where it belongs. I know they’re capable and I know they’re respectful.

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: So I guess maybe it just comes down to they feel so comfortable with me that they’re not scared of disrespecting me. Like, that’s the compliment I give myself. But also, it’s different. It’s different standards. And I’m not a neat freak by any, standard. But, like, it’s also, I don’t know, like, when you walk in and see, like, it bothers me. It bothers me to, like, walk in. Our layouts are similar. When I walk into my apartment and I look straight ahead, I see the island. So with you, it’s like, off to the right, but when there’s stuff everywhere, it just doesn’t feel like home and it doesn’t feel comfortable. And that’s like reflecting back to a previous episode where you’re talking about, like, clean the bathroom. Just, you know, just think about the shared spaces. Take care of shared spaces. Like, yeah, well.

Chris: And when you’re talking about the in progress, that reminded me of being a kid. And I used to draw house plans all the time. And that’s actually why I still have mechanical pencils for the most part, is because I randomly. It’ll be a, Saturday, and I’m home alone, and I’ll get stoned, and I’ll be like, what is the cabin that I’m going to build in the future? And it’s cost effective. It’s not grandiose and crazy. It’s like, how could I build something interesting with less than, like, eight changes of a foundation?

Amanda: Love it.

Chris: Direction. Right.

Amanda: Like, my Chris would be in love with you right now.

Chris: Well, this is right. Cause I don’t want it to just be a box. But you can’t spend all of your money on, turns and pitches and whatever. Like, no, I would rather have the living room, kitchen, dining room area be somehow a wow moment. But, like, it only cost $5,000 instead of like 30,000.

Amanda: Do y. Yes.

Chris: So I’m all about that shit. But when I was a kid, I used to. I mean, that’s where my passion started for designing homes. And so I always had graph paper out. I would take tape and tape them together on the bottom side. Or I would use a, ah, glue stick and glue, like pieces of graph paper together and draw out house plans, and I would leave them on the coffee table and I’d go do whatever. Like, I would do it after school, right. And then eventually in the evening, my mom or dad would be like, pick this up and blah, blah, blah. And they weren’t mad at me, but they just didn’t want my shit around. And I would be like, well, nobody’s even doing anything in here today anyway. And then when I get home from school tomorrow, I’m just gonna finish this anyway. So what’s the thing you. And so it’s funny that you’re saying something about the respect bit because it’s like I wasn’t thinking about my parents or their space or whether I was respecting them or not. I was like, what does it matter if I pick this up or not and I’m gonna do it again tomorrow? I’m not done.

Amanda: Yeah. So I think for me, I do. I will bitch about it because it’s helpful to vent. When I do vent, it avoids like, me screaming and all that kind of stuff. It’s irritating at the same time. My kids love Legos and art. I have very. Were you down there at the pool that one day that Vera was painting? Likees.

Chris: Yeah, that’s when I met her.

Amanda: Oh, that was aming sheing.

Chris: And she asked me how I identify and I was like, what? Because she’s so young and like, well spoken and very. She has like an intensity about her. Like, she’s obviously very smart. And I was like, oh, your kid’s just painting. And then she was like, how do you identify? And I was like, what do you mean? And she was like, are you gay? And I was like, yeah. And I was just so thrown off that she asked me because it was such a, like grown up question. And I was like, wow, this girl’s like, sophisticated. She’s like ahead of her timeh.

Amanda: Yeah, super. I think most of my kids are like, we have those. That’s a whole different topic again. Outskirts conversation. So I try to think, like, I remember being so artsy and like that example, like, I didn’t make houses, but I would make dresses. And I would like staple all these pieces of paper together and have these elaborate things. So I do try with the kids to like, I’m not gonna be like, too late. It’s 8:00. Fucking break that Lego tower motherfucker. Like, can you imagine? Like, that’s heartbreaking.

Chris: Like, well, you said that to me last weekend.

Amanda: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Oversh share. Oversh share. And it was connects. Okay.

Chris: I’m very sensitive, but okay, you’re right.

Amanda: Okay, I’m sorry. M sor so it’s like a balance. And so I think it’s. It’s an interesting Thing. But when you come to adults, especially when you’re so you ve said you’ve never lived with somebody. Yeah, I was married young. We lived, went from apartment to home and we developed a lot of those patterns together. But now it’s like I’m dating somebody who had their own home, who had their own life and we enter into each other’s spaces. Like imagine if you and I all of a sudden had to share an apartment. Like it is. It’s tricky. And so what it all comes down to, whether it’s the kids or adults, is communication. Right. And I don’t know, I was never a kid that was looking at oh my God, the windows haven’t been washed in a month of Sundays. You know, I don’t know what that voice is.

Chris: Please do that voice forever will always do that voice.

Amanda: Mom, when are you gonna wash the ches. What? Now it’s getting like transcontinental, right? Like now it’s kind of like vaudeville. It’s fine. Oh my God, Mom, I m love the dishwasher.

Chris: And I’m imagine you with those bangs that go like this.

Amanda: Whooo. Woo. The perfect. The perfect. Like finger waves. Yeah, no, I didn’t look at that stuff either. And so that’s where it’s like kids will always leave shit everywhere. I don’t step on a lot of Legos. I just find weird shit in my sinks. They try to eat ice cream with salad tongs. And I. It just blows my mind. I sometimes close their door for like that’s my self care. People will be like, you as a mom of eight, like, how do you practice self care? I’m like, I don’t walk in their room. If I walk in their room. no. One time.

Chris: How do you do self care? I avoid my children or I avoid their space.

Amanda: Yeah. For real. I’m.

Chris: That’s amazing.

Amanda: That’s the thing, the awareness of like spaces. So okay, fine, give the kids a pass. I’ll clean up your shit. Or remind you to just be respectful. But if you’re an adult and you share a space with somebody or you’re dating somebody where you occasionally share space, just like maybe look around and wonder, is there anything that I could do to respect their space better? Just a good question. Good question to ask yourself.

Chris: Well, plus there’s those areas where you walk in and you see it right away. If someone’s gonna pop over in 10 minutes and you’ve only got 10 minutes, you want to have some space where hi, like please don’t go into my room or my closet or my bathroom. But like, out here’s fine. Yeah, that is what it is’be. perfect kids. Yeah’s definitely different with kids. And like about seeing your kids in our apartment building. So you do live here and I’m sure you’ve had conversations with them about how to behave in these shared spaces. Now then you leave home and you go to a store or a mall or a place and children, someone’s child is acting crazy or insane or doing whatever. And there’s that weird. I don’t know how to. There’s like a place where, when kids are young and they’re unable to regulate their emotions at such, like, there’s no regulation because they’re so young. And I’m thinking about like toddler, post toddler. Like when a kid’s big enough to be walking around the store and they’re having a meltdown and there’s really not much you can do about it. Like, realistically, nine out of ten times I would probably suggest leaving. Like, just leave now. Not everyone’s gonna, I don’t have a kid. There’s gonna be plenty ofhers that are gonna be like, hey, you don’t know what it’s like to have your kid having a breakdown in Walmart. And I’m like, no, but I do know what it’s like to witness it. I do know what it’s like.

Amanda: O o o went there, he went.

Chris: There, I went there. I do know what it’s like, right, to be at the other end of the aisle while your kid is tormenting the rest of the living world. And you are, oh, I’m just gotta buy a candle. Oh, I just gotta get through my list. And it’s like, okay, girl, maybe it’s time that you leave now. I’ve been with friends where their kid is having a breakdown at this age. And there’s like, I don’t know, there’s like a timeline where you’re going through it because you’re gonna see, does it work? Is he gonna chill out? Is he gonna become human again? Literally, like, are we going to be able to get out of this store with purchasing things? And I’ve been with friends and I hate to say it, please don’t hate me. Where it goes too long, it goes too far. And I’m like, your kid is literally being a nuisance. Like, if they were an adult, they would be arrested. So get your shit together and get your kid out of this fucking store now. Am I being too. It’s so Hard to say because there’s so many different examples.

Amanda: I know, right?

Chris: But what are your thoughts about this? Because like I said, your kids are well behaved when I see them in the building. There has to have been times when you’re out in public and you’re like, if you don’t stop, I’m gonna strangle you or something.

Amanda: Yeah, yeah. I mean, it’s. I. Again, not to like. Okay, I’m gonna refer Back to the enneagram 3. Not trying to toot my own horn. We. So my. The kid’s dad is airline pilot. We would go on flights with all eight kids, and we would get done at the end. Yeah, yeah. also, because he’s a pilot, he doesn’t have to go through tsa, right? So he goes through a separate line. And I, by myself, would take all eight kids, take off your shoes, put your electronics in a separate bin. Okay. Also, kids don’t have to take out shoes, so it’s. That’s helpful. But anyway, all by myself. But as a three, I felt like a fucking badass. U. and we’d get off a flight and they’d be like, your kids were amazing. I’m like, oh, okay. So I. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because we’re a big family. I honestly don’t know. I think I expect, we talk a lot very openly and honestly about how our actions affect other people, but also how we’re not responsible for other people’s feelings and how to just, like, it’s a balance of, like, being self aware but also being yourself. Because I don’t want to, like, be so polite that I don’t speak up for myself. Right. Or be like, please don’t touch me, creepy guy on the bus. Like, I want them to be able to advocate for themselves. I have girls. Like, this is realistic. Right?

Chris: Oh, my God.

Amanda: we were at the mall, and one of my girls, she was like 13, was getting looked at by a guy, and she’s like, he won’t stop staring at me. Well, then I want you to be able to say something. But also I want you to have social respect. With my kids, I’m very much like, I don’t care if you swear, but we don’t use words to hurt people. Like, how do we respect people? And why does that matter? so, yeah, it drives me nuts when I’m. Oh, my God. When I’m like, okay, an airplane is an exception because we’re all just trapped in a tube in the sky.

Chris: Ye.

Amanda: So if you’re gonna scream, you’re gonna scream, nobody likes biscoff cookies. Can we talk about that? What the fuck is a biscoyff?

Chris: You do like bisoff. Shout out to Patrick, my boy Patrick. We love those. I’m,

Amanda: Girl, what is the flavor?

Chris: You’re in the wrong room.

Amanda: Is it.

Chris: You’re in the wrong flight. Let me get you another flight. No, it’s not like I’m, like, buying them by the case, but I’m like, can I get some extra cookies on? And they’re like, here you go. And I’m like, I’ve been such a good, person on the flight.

Amanda: Okay. Give me famous Amos. Give me shortbread. Don’t. Is it, like, a gingerbread wannabe? It’s okay. But, I don’t have anything to.

Chris: Also, I cannot say that they’re amazing for some sort of reason. It’s like, there’s only so many options, and that’s the one that I pick. I don’t even. I mean, a. Ah.

Amanda: Kind bar.

Chris: Well, I’m not very kind. I don’t know.

Amanda: Yeah, that’s fair. That’s fair. They used to have really good pretzels. I will say. Yeah, things changed after Covid. And so when up, like, would you like a biscoff cookie or nuts? I’m like, I guess I’ll fucking eat nuts. Whatever. Anyway, wa. Spin that however you want it.

Chris: I’ll take the biscooff.

Amanda: I’ll take the nuts.

Chris: Ridiculous.

Amanda: I love you so much. I think there’s a weird balance between generations of, like, our parents who are like, I don’t know, everybody’s different. But, like, a kid is meant to be seen and not heard or, like, fucking obey or else. Or you’re gonna get your ass paddled or whatever the fuck spankins meant. And now permissive as fuck. And there has to be a middle where it’s like, yes, there are expectations. Not because I don’t want to listen to who you are. I do. But it also matters how you treat other people, you know? So I think there’s, like, this weird middle that this generation’s really, struggling to navigate based on behaviors that we’re seeing.

Chris: When you’re saying, it’s funny that you brought up the children not to be or to be seen and not heard, because that’s what my mom used to say to me. M. Children are to be seen and not heard. And my mother would say, I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it. Like, there were just these phrases that and she would do the countdown thing. There was always the 1, 2. And I don’t know, I don’t really recall ever getting to a number where anything happened because I literally was, like, fearful. Like, there is something about, like, finding a, path. I mean, I had so much to ask of people to be like, don’t be like this and don’t be like that, but find something in the middle. It’s a lot. It just sucks. My biggest complaint would just be seeing parents being like, la, la, la, la, la. Like, I deal with this enough. I’m whatever. I have to deal with this all the time. Other people can just deal with it. You were a kid onces, too. There’s all these rationales behind bad behavior.

Amanda: I’I’M like, annoyed with the children and more annoyed with the parents who think parenting looks like only saying yes.

Chris: Yeah, yeah. Like, well, you gotta pick your battles. And I’m like, which battle did you pick? Yeah, Because I didn’t see you pick any battles. Your kid is just, like, running the show, girl.

Amanda: You’re neutral.

Chris: You are Switzerlanderland. You are Switzerland over there on your phone doing whatever going on your.

Amanda: So, I mean, I have some empathy to parents who are, like, afraid of other parents. And I just wa. Want to, like, be like, stop caring. Maybe it’s because, like, when I had one, when I had two, I cared what other people think. I have eight, and people judge me anyway. So I’m just like, fuck it. You. I don’t care if you are mad that my kid has his head down in a, take a breath moment. Okay? Then you think I’m a bad mom. That’s just what I’m doing. Cause I’m teaching them boundaries. And I think people are. We are in. We’re in a very interesting time. I remember when my kids were little and we had car seats and I posted a picture on Facebook of, buckling my kid into a car seat because she looks so cute. She had, like, the cute little hat with, like, the ears and the matching snow suit and, like, the jacket. And it was like, oh, my God, it was so cute. And I got more hate on that picture than anything else on that post. Because you’re supposed to take off the jacket before you buckle them into the car seat. Because the effectiveness of the harnesses when they’re buckled, Like, I am not kidding. I had to delete the picture. I cried.

Chris: Oh, my God.

Amanda: And so it’s like, we live in a very public world where people are judging. And then you hear my dad who’s like, u. We used to ride in the back of the hatchback and just bounce around without gr.

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: He said he floated down the Mississippi river on a log. Right.

Chris: I mean, helicopter parent. I’m sorry, My kid is in the, Kid, What is that called? The car seat?

Amanda: Yeah.

Chris: In a car seat with a coat on. And I’m endangering their life because of the coat?

Amanda: Yes.

Chris: I mean, give me a fucking break.

Amanda: I mean, maybe if I’m in an extreme. But that’s the thing. So we have these moms and dads, but more so like moms on social media who will judge the hell out of anything you do. I remember one day I was down at the pool and my son was playing with another kid. They both were being inappropriate and she and I looked at each other and she goes, is my kid being an asshole? I’m like, yeah, mine is too. And it was like the most relieving moment to be like, we both see our kids doing something they’re not supposed to. I don’t judge you for that. How do we. And we have this great talk with our kids together, and that was really refreshing. But it’s not the norm. And so I think we need to normalize, like calling out our kids, stop judging and also be social. Like, we still have a responsibility as a parent to be socially aware, Find the balance. For sure.

Chris: We’re go going toa. Take a break. We’ll be right back.

Amanda: Can we complain?

Chris: Can we complain?

Amanda: Can we complain?

Chris: So speaking of, like, when we were kids and parents had these phrases that they would say and, you know, whatever the counting and, I always found it to be. It’s like there. This weird place to navigate between respecting your elders, as we are taught in a Judeo Christian upbringing, cultureriarchy, whatever. Patriarchy. Yes. only you’re only to speak when you’re spoken to children r BC not heard. You’re supposed to respect your elders, blah, blah, blah. And I’ve always had kind of a. I don’t want to say like a fundamental problem with that, but even at a young age, I wasn’t thinking of things from the perspective of, well, I’m young and I’m gonna. I don’t like that. I was just thought like, well, why would I respect someone just because of their age? And it didn’t seem to sit well with me. even so, as time has gone on, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve certainly realized that I don’t think respecting your elders actually is a bottom Line, blanket statement kind of situation. And I’m. I mean I’m 40 years old. I am at an age where there are plenty of people younger than me and plenty of people are older than me. And I don’t think that the people that are older than me just get more respect than people that are younger than me.

Amanda: Right.

Chris: I think that oldle adage about like respect is earned is important. And I don’t even know about necessarily so much earning respect. It feels to me like there’s like a. You start. Started like net zero with a person and then as you go through environments and situations.

Chris: You either grow and garner respect for someone or you lose respect. Blah blah blah. And it can go up and down. It fluctuates throughout the term of a relationship. and can be even in a short amount of time you can meet someone and within 10 minutes be like, you know what? I can tell that this person. I can sense my intuition is telling me, my brain is telling me that they are someone that I should get to know better. I like what they’re all about. They seem to have a good vibe. The way they speak to other people is in a way that I can respect. The way they talk about their life experiences is in a way I can respect. And the way that they are treating me makes me feel respected. So I feel like I should return the favor or

Amanda: Yep.

Chris: Do you have anything to say about. You know, you’re supposed to respect your elders just like outright. That’s just the way it goes.

Amanda: No, for sure. And especially like going off of what we were talking about earlier with kids and I don’t only want to talk about kids but maybe like that’s, that’s narrowing in on why I think my kids are not the kids bouncing parkour off the walls and who see you and they’re like hey Chris, how are you doing? How is Rebel doing today? Like they care about your details. but. And I think it’s because I show them respect. Like I treat them like people. I think a lot of parents treat their kids like not humans or like little humans. And I’ve always tried to treat them as human as I can age appropriate and give them respect, not just obey me because I say so. I’ve never been that mom like because I said so. I’ll try to give you a reason. But anyway, u. yeah, I think, I think as you were talking it made me think like respect is so similar to trust. When you were comparing about how it can be like earned and gotten back. That’s how I feel about trust in relationships. Like, I will start out ground zero. I have a lot of friends who are like, I automatically distrust men. Okay, that’s fair. I don’t. I’m not going to judge you for that. That’s not how I enter relationships. I’m goingna enter at a base level of 0, not trust or mistrust. And then as I hear things, as I recognize as I’m like noticing we’re likely aligned. How you treat me, return my calls, you are apologetic, whatever it is, I trust you more. And I think respect is so similar. I’ve never thought about it that way. I’m glad you said that. U

Chris: Yeah. That’s awesome. I agree completely.

Amanda: Yeah.

Chris: It hasn’t crossed my mind a correlation between trust and respect, but they should. They feel like to me that they should be approached in the same manner.

Amanda: Yeah.

Chris: You earn trust, you earn respect.

Amanda: Yes. Yes. And I don’t think we should start out in the detriment of like, I’m gonna disrespect you. Right. Like so, yeah. Like whether it’s target and being like, excuse me, as you pass someone or holding the door open or just not being an asshole in general, like, whatever. There’s base level of our, respect as a community, as a culture. Right. But when you’re in an interpersonal relationship, I think respect means caring enough about the other person to learn how they need to be respected. If you leave my toilet seat up, I don’t care. But if I leave yours up, you might care. So do I value you enough to know that if I do this thing, you feel disrespected and hurt? And am I willing to invest that into the relationship?

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: And if not, how do I set those boundaries? So I think respect is really personal. That’s the other thing that I was thinking about when you were talking about it. Like, I had a friend who I would talk to about like, very, very. Okay, so newlywed, 19 years old, learning how to fuck, have sex for the first time because I saved myself for marriage. I was a really good Christian girl. Like, I followed the rules. I don’t know what the hell I was doing. So I taught her about it. Remember walking into a room where somebody else at the party knew a very personal sexual detail about me that I had d only shared with her, and that felt disrespectful to me. However, to her, if I did the same thing, I don’t think she would have felt disrespected. Right. So we had these different. Different levels. So I think I’m thinking about the people in my life who are very conservative and what respect looks like for them. for me, it’s respecting pronouns. It’s respecting, identity. It’s respecting my beliefs. It’s respecting my political choices. For the conservatives in my life, they don’t respect that. And I. But I want to respect them. And so it’s very interesting. Something I always say to my kids and to myself. You get to choose every day what kind of person you want to be, who do you want to be? And I don’t think we often talk enough about how respect means finding your own boundaries. I can respect the most conservative trumpy person in the world without, like, removing my boundaries. I can have my boundaries as a person and respect them. It just means they don’t get to be close to me, honestly. So, yeah, no, that’s interesting when you’re.

Chris: Referencing conservatives, maybe some very conservative people that think something is showing respect. Meanwhile, I’m not even thinking about it. It’s not even that I’m rebelling against it or I disagree. I’m just living my life, and that’s not even a consideration of mine.

Amanda: Yeah, I think courtesy, respect, okay. I don’t know if you’re gonna agree with me. I think general social courtesy is that level zero of respect.

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: Like, okay, don’t litter. That kind of thing. And then once you start to engage in a relationship, you learn respect is very individual. and I think respect means willing to have the conversations about each other’s boundaries and how, like, hey, Kris, here’s my boundary, here’s yours. You can respect me in this way, I can respect you in this way. You get to say yes or no to those things. And giving each other the option of learning how to blend your differences to be respectful of each other, you know? Yeah. and that takes a lot of emotional maturity.

Chris: One thing I appreciate about seeing relationships that my friends have with their children, people my age have with their children, is that my friends tend to. I need a thesaurus next to me at this point, because I already said the word appreciate, but they appreciate their children. I think, in a way, the previous generations. I don’t want to say that they didn’t, but there seems to be this thing where they’re like, I just love who my kid is. I just love watching this personality develop. I love seeing their interests. I love hearing, like, my good friends, all of my good friends that have children, seem to have this view of their kids, where they are genuinely fascinated by them, genuinely appreciate them, as other beings, as other people who exist. And there’s something about growing up in that way that some of us grew up where we’re told how we need to behave and we’re told who we’re supposed to be and there’s rules we’re supposed to follow that just. It’s so refreshing to see. And I’m envious of kids that get to have that experience with their parents. And I think it’s really cool that even in this transitionary time of trying to navigate this landscape of how do we respect each other and what are the norms and what are we doing and all that, which didn’t just start last week. It’s not like we’re the first ones to deal with this. I’m sure our parents felt similarly with their parents and previous generations. But there’s just something really refreshing about seeing people that I know and that I respect them looking at their children not as just things to manage, not as just obstacles, not as just things to put in a place or to deal with at appropriate times. They’re genuinely interested in them, and that’s so refreshing. I m love seeing that.

Amanda: Why? I’m sure everybody listening will hear your tears, and I just want to. Like, I respect the hurt that comes with Wherever those tears came from. But you’re a part of that too. Like, you spoke for a little while about my daughter Vera and how she was this person and approached you about your. Like, how do you identify? Right. And you see, you commented on her specific personality. And I think we all come from a generation of being seen as a product and not as a person.

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: as being treated as children, not as potential adults. I don’t think you can treat kids as adults, but I do think you can treat them as people. Y and that’s what I’m trying to do. And I applaud you for doing. You’re not a parent, but you do that to my kids. Like, you treat them as individuals. And, I. As your friend, I just’m, I’m sorry for the ways that you were put into a box. I love and hold the ways that you weren’t seen for the fullness of who chrris could be. And I empathize with that. Like, I hid my attraction to women until a couple of years ago. There was so much shame with that. And because of Christianity, because of whatever. I remember when I told my dad that I was like, I’m bisexual, and he Said, well, that’s your choice. I’m like, it isn’t, though, dad. Like, it isn’t. And so there’s like, these boxes of. He expected me to be a mom. I remember the pressure, being married so young of like. And I’m not. I don’t. I don’t want to compare. To take away from your story. So just naming that our experiences are our own experiences. Just like, we’re going back and forth. Right?

Chris: Amen.

Amanda: Amen.

Chris: I respect you.

Amanda: I’m gonna one up you. Okay. So that was hard for you. Well, this was m. Hard for me.

Chris: I want to hear you, and I want to learn more about you and want. I’m hoping to grow in respect.

Amanda: Yeah. I think as. I mean, fuck being queer in the 2000s and 90s. Like, what the fuck was that? Right?

Chris: Yeah. Yeah.

Amanda: It wasn’t. I think. Okay. I don’t know what it was like for our parents to be children. For us in general. I think it felt like the product. Like I said, like, they did the thing. They accomplished it. They were successful. They had the family, they had the kid, they had the son, they had the daughter. And for me, having kids, looking at them, I’m trying to help them love themselves and become people. And I wish we would have had that. Like, if you love who you are, you’re not gonna fight so hard against the world to find validation.

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: You’re gonna see other people fighting you as their own. Hurt.

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: And be sel. Like, I wish. Oh, my God, I wish I could be my daughter Quinn. She’s so fucking confident. Like, she wore a bonnet, like a silk bonnet to school because her hair was messy. I’m like, if I wore anything on my head to school, like, I would have been ostracized. But she’s like, whatever. They wear pimple patches in public when we’re in school. Having a pim bull was, like, social. Like, suicide, right?

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: And she’s confident in her decisions, and so is my oldest, Ka, And I’m like, good. Good for you. I love that you love who you are. And I think, in general, 13, 12, 11, 10, 40, 39. Like, whatever. If you love who you are, you care a lot less about what people think, and you care a lot more about helping, at least helping love yourself and putting that out into the world. And so, yeah, I. Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, my God.

Chris: Ye. Yes. Yes.

Amanda: We were taught to respect others before ourselves.

Chris: Yeah. Yes.

Amanda: We were never taught to respect ourselves.

Chris: Yeah. If anything, you’re supposed to probably be ashamed of things.

Amanda: Yes.

Chris: Yeah, yeah.

Amanda: No, I just didn’t think about that. Like it was all about others. What do others think about us? How do you respect others? It was never about respecting yourself.

Chris: Right.

Amanda: And so I think before this we were talking a little bit about like, you’re seeing kids and my kids and your friends. Kids respected for who they are and encouraged to be humans. Like, I hate that we were forced to respect others before ourselves.

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: I think we need to respect ourselves first because then we know who we are, we know what we stand for, we know what matters. We know we have value, we know we have rights, we have agency. And then when we do, it’s actually so much easier to respect other people even if they’re being trumpy assholes. I can be like, awh, sad for you. Hi, so nice to see you today. I can be kind, right. I don’t agree with you, but I don’t want to fight all the time. And I think when we stop respecting ourselves, we are fighting constantly. And it results in bitterness and cruelty and divisiveness. And I don’t know, I think I just solved world hunger and everything, so.

Chris: World hunger. Well, I was gonna say that was a little bit more. I would give it the world peace Nod. Not necessarily “cessarily world hunger. But you know, I’ve also been in a lot of beauty pageants, so I know how the classifications work. Are there things, as a parent, are there things that you, lie to your kids about? Well, are there things that end up being where we’re not talking about the whole, like you’re to be seen and not heard. We’re not talking about shaming, but maybe sugarcoat or polish, rub the edges off or something that you misrepresent to your children in a way to help them or do whatever. Because I’m trying to think of things when I was a kid, funny story.

Amanda: nowadays, like front loading washers and dryers are the thing.

Chris: Ye.

Amanda: But when I grew up, it was top loading. Yeah. So the way God wants it. Well, that is the way God wants it. You’re so right. It’s like, right the Lord’s way. So I remember my dad would have me. I think he was worried about me falling in or like just fucking around with it. And I remember the central pillar. You would like pour the detergent into the middle of the central pillar. And then on the outside it would like slowly rotate. And there were what must have been rubber or silicone blades that would push the Laundry around, right? Like that’s what’s causing the laundry agitation. but my dad told me if I touched them, they would cut my fingers off.

Chris: Is this to prevent you from getting too far into the watch y?

Amanda: So I was little, so I thought. I think he was trying to prevent me from like falling in the washer. So Fast forward. I’m 18, I’m in my first depart. 17 in my first apartment. Me and my friend Carrie go to the laundry room and it’s top. It’s a shitty ass apartment, so it’s cheap. They haven’t update their washers. Top load. We’re putting it in. She’s shoving her hand all the way in. I go, carrie, you’re gonna cut yourself. And she’s like, hu. Huh? And I’m like, it hit as soon as I said it. I’m like, I’m a dumbass.

Chris: Yeah, that’s so funny.

Amanda: Like, thanks, dad. He also told me if I crossed the road, the road would burn me. He didn’t want me to get hit by cars. So he’s like, the black road would burn you? Yeah, it’s trying to fire. It’s okay. I have feelings. Anyway, so I let kid. I let of kids about candy. I lied to kids about, I don’t love lying about Santa. But like I said, several of my kids are adopted. And so they came into the family believing in Santa. And so I. Whatever. If we keep up with it.

Chris: It’s also a challenge when you have young ones and not young ones because it’s like, how do you navigate that?

Amanda: Yeah, you talk to the older ones. One thing I will say is, again, with the respect thing, I was like. With the older kids who knew Santa wasn’t real, I was like, hey, here’s the deal. You’re gonna go to school, you’re gonna have friends who think Santa’s real. Like, imagine, imagine taking that away from them so they’ve never spoiled the secret tone of their friends because they don’t want to hurt their friends. I’m like, cool. So, yes, I’ve done a good job. I, hate Santa, but I love the tooth fairy because I think it’s so creepy. Like, why is this a woman coming into your home? Or man, I assume woman that’s gendered to me. They’re flying in, they’re miniature. They come in, they somehow fucking knew that you lost a tooth. They’re gonna sneak under your pillow.

Chris: Yep.

Amanda: They’re gonna take it. Wait now we need to talk about our beliefs about. Because some people Think the tooth fairy takes a tooth, and some people think they leave it.

Chris: O who leaves the tooth? No, the fairy takes the tooth.

Amanda: My tooth fairy left the tooth.

Chris: What? Your tooth fairy’s on crack?

Amanda: Well, of course. It’s my family. And my mom’s an alcoholic. Of course she’s on fucking crack. I think it was heroin, actually, if I’m being honest.

Chris: That’s funny. But no. The tooth fairy takes the tooth.

Amanda: Mine never did. I just think they would just leave.

Chris: You, what, a quarter or a dollar.

Amanda: And then be like, here’s your tooth too. I think my teeth were sub par. Wow, they could build her palace. Anyway, I think it’s creepy as fuck, and I collect bones, and I’m really into taxonomy and all that kind of shit, so whatever. But, we take the teeth. Stop. And so much is being revealed. My oldest, who’s 14, came into my room the other day, and they’re like, mom, I lost my last baby tooth. I’m like, oh, my God. What? And they’re like, you want it, don’t you? I’m m like, yes.

Chris: I’m.

Amanda: Save it forevereah. It’s creepy. Anyway, whatever. Tooth fairy love lying about tooth three. Because I’m trying to consider the harm of the thing that I lie to them about. Does it hurt them if they don’t know where my secret sugar is? No. Does it hurt them if I tell them that their laundry machine will hack their body to death? Kind of. Little bit.

Chris: Particularly if in your first apartment and you’re warning your friends to not put their hands in the washing machine. No.

Amanda: I was so old, it. As soon as I. As soon as I said it out loud, I was like, yeah, yeah, me.

Chris: the tooth fairy takes the teeth. I don’t know if you’re listening and you don’t take the teeth and you’re the tooth fairy. Come correct.

Amanda: What does she do with the teeth? Or he.

Chris: I mean, I don’t know. He, she. They. Them, takes the teeth and I do.

Amanda: I read a book where they build a palace out of it. Like, that’s their castle.

Chris: That’s beautiful. I love it. They don’t give you a quarter or a dollar and then say, here’s also your tooth. I don’t want it. Here’s a.

Amanda: That’s so transactional. It was like they were re proud.

Chris: They’re like, aw, it makes no sense to take. Give money and not take the teeth. Now, a lie that I wanted to say that I thought of that was weird from my childhood is Forrest Gump.

Amanda: Oh, okay.

Chris: Forrest Gump came out while I was a kid watching it with my family. My parents and I don’t know if my brothers were in the room. it doesn’t matter. We’re watching Forrest Gump. There’s the scene where Sally Field sleeps with the principal so that forst and go to school and.

Amanda: Ah, y. Yeah.

Chris: And the principal’making these God awful noises. and I asked my parents what’s going on. Cause I was like, what is happening?

Amanda: Why is he on the porch?

Chris: Well, he s literallyuse. All you see is forest sitting outside. And then there’s nothing else to know when you’re a kid other than someone’s making noises in the house. So I’m just like, what’s going on? And my parents were like, well, I don’t know. I have no idea. No. And what I think is funny is. Cause I look back when I think about it now and I’m like, well, what were they supposed to say? Like, well, Forrest mom is having sex with the principal so that Forrest could go to school. I mean, like, you know, like, I was probably like a second grader or something. It’s not like I was really prepared.

Amanda: No, no, no, no. Yeah.

Chris: To hear the. To like, you know, navigate whatever that is.

Amanda: I love that your parents were like, I don’t know.

Chris: Yeah. They literally were like, we have no idea. I’m like, okay.

Amanda: So he’s just sitting outside on the porch.

Chris: I don’t know. Bl it’s funnies. Cause if I was sitting in a room with an 8 year old or a 10 year old, I don’t know how old I was. And that scene was happening and they were like, what’s going on in there? I’d probably be like, I don’t know. I think I would l to I.

Amanda: Think I would probably lie. Oh my Goshay.

Chris: I’m my mom and my dad.

Amanda: You are repeating history. We’ve been watching Modern Family, which is pretty tame, like. And sometimes. But they come in and out of the room. There’s some innuendo and some suggestions. So when that happens. Okay. So I’m trying to imagine I’m putting myself at the scene. There’s like, if Ethan and Hazel, who are under the age of 10 were like, why are they making that sound? I would say, I’d probably say it sounds a little bit like fighting. And you know, Forrest isn’t like the other kids and his mom has to fight with the principal to help him be able to go to school. Like a normal Kid because the principal is not being fair. It’s also really not fair that the mom has to fight. Like, she doesn’t. There’s no dad in the house. You know, like, I would try to maybe give it as much.

Chris: I love that you’re like, no, that’s.

Amanda: I would be as honest as possible. What I would want them to know is he was being traded unfairly. I love. There are schools nowadays though, like iep’are like, they’regular right. Like individual. Individual education plans. but the thing is’s he’s on the porch because his mom’s fighting for him and it sounds like fighting.

Chris: Yeahah. But see that. That is thoughtful.

Amanda: Yeah.

Chris: And I appreciate that. I think my parents are thrown off because they’watching a movie. They’re in it too. Like, they’re watching it for the first time. I’m sure. And so they’re like trying to watch the movie and their kids asking. But I do appreciate so much that you would actually think about like, what’s happening in the movie and how to describe it in a way that’s like not just saying, I don’t know. Because like, I remember. I mean, I remember it. It made an impact.

Amanda: Well, parents didn’t have the. It was like the blockbuster Hollywood video age. Like, we didn’t always have the privilege. You have like one day to watch the movie, so they didn’t have the privilege of watching it and screening it. Also, parents don’t have the time. Now you have Common Sense media and other apps where you can look ahead of time. But, also as a momb of eight with adopted, like, there’s just a lot of weird questions. So permission to all parents who don’t know how to answer a question and say I don’t knowm. a easy line too is. I think it’s an adult conversation. We can talk about it when you’re older. Ah.

Chris: okay.

Amanda: You know.

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: Because it’s okay. There’s like drug stuff in a lot of movies. There’s like, yeah. Abduction and abuse and like even news stories. You know, kids see the news and they’re like, what does that mean? I’m like, it’s really sad. We’ll talk about it when you’re older. So.

Chris: Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, and that’s fair enough. I think that’s. If my parents had said, this is, something we’ll talk about when you’re older, I don’t know that it would have had much more of an impact than it did. It probably would have had less because it’s still, like, I’m 40 years old. I’m talking about it. Like, I was like, why are you pretending like you don’t know what’s going on? Like, obviously, everyone knows I’m just a kid.

Amanda: Like, yeah, but maybe more important, like, he was special needs. Like, he was on the spectrum for sure and had a lot of disability. Like, why are we not talking about how he. Like, Jenny and all that jazz and them having a relationship with, like, ah. Ah. There’s so many more problems.

Chris: I was gonna say we’re not go. Going toa go down the Forrest Trump train. A Forrest Gumpt Trump train. We’re not gonna go down the Forest Gump train. Because my opinion. My opinion of that movie has changed a lot since when I was younger, and I was like, oh, this is a really good movie. Now I’m like, there’s a lot of shitty things about this movie, actually, and I’m not mad about it holistically. But when people are like, forrest Gump’one of the five best movies ever. I’m like, no, it is not. And clearly you haven’t seen a lot of movies or you’re not very bright, because this movie’s full of problems. It is so problematic.

Amanda: It’s iconic.

Chris: Yep.

Amanda: Problematic.

Chris: The first Christmas I ever spent alone. The first Christmas I ever actually just spent alone. Chosen to as a single person in Los Angeles, I didn’t want to come home. Everyone was doing things. I’m alone on Christmas. I’m like, I bought carbs. I was all excited. I was gonna have this Christmas, and I’m on Netflix or whatever, and there was like, Forrest Gump. And I’m like, yeah, Forrest Gump. I haven’t seen Forrest Gump in so long. And as I’m watching it, I’m, like, kind of tearing it apart a little bit. And then he’s talking to Jenne under the tree, and I’m, like, crying by myself on Christmas. And I’m like, why are you watching for by yourself on Christmas? And then after the movie was done, I flipped from, like, in the zone of watching the movie into, like, critical thinking zone, and was like, that was actually really bad. Like, there’s actually a lot of bad things about this movie. It’s actually not good.

Amanda: Yeah, like child abuse.

Chris: Child abuse. Jenny.

Amanda: drug addict, straight up.

Chris: Taking advantage of him straight up. And, like, you’re supposed to feel bad.

Amanda: For her, and then he gets the kid.

Chris: Right? Yeah, I know.

Amanda: So m. Many problems.

Chris: you know, we’re talking about having kids in the home, maybe where you have a stash, the things that people leave around, blah, blah, blah.

Amanda: What are you gonna ask me? Oh, my God.

Chris: And this is probably gonna be such a letdown. Toilet paper.

Amanda: Oh, fuck. Thank God.

Chris: Over or under who?

Amanda: I did not know where you’re going with that, but I do have stories.

Chris: Listen, I just need to know because, it’s on my list of things too. It’s like pop quiz hotshot kind of thing. Like, we’re in speed and I’m Sandra Bullock and. Or I don’t know who asked the question. I guess I’m not Sandra Bullock. I’m like the old guy, whatever his name is. Who knows?

Amanda: I’ll be Sandra Bullock.

Chris: I love her. you’re Sandra Bullock, and I’m definitely not Keanu Reeves. And it’s like pop quiz hotshot Toilet paper over or under?

Amanda: Okay. Rock, paper, scissors. I’m toilet paper under.

Chris: Okay. Can you explain to all of the listeners at home, God, the devil, and myself, why it is that you’re wrong about this?

Amanda: Excuse me? Okay, the gestures.

Chris: Well, all I did was point up, down, left, and right.

Amanda: Look, you’re sounded real conservative that there’s only one right answer and one wrong answer. If you came to my house and loaded all my toilet paper rolls as.

Chris: Top over, over the way God wanted.

Amanda: It, I would be like, that was nice of you to replace the toilet paper roll. Okay. Because I’m a good friend and a good person.

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: And that wouldn’t disrespect me referring, back to earlier topics on the podcast.

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: I just over feels annoying to me because when it’s like, so you pull it over the top and you’ve got that one piece, it so easily slips back and then you’re like chasing it. If it’s under, it’s always hanging down.

Chris: Okay, Fair, Fair.

Amanda: Yeah.

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: But, I think it’s also easier to rip. And I can see that it back.

Chris: Yeah. Like, I feel that. Like, I feel like it is what it is. You tear it off and it just stays right. It’s like there. There’s not more motion needed when it’s over. You do have to hold it to tear, the bottom up. Or if you do it one handed, you’re a magician or you have the.

Amanda: Powers of Jesus Christ or something forever. Or you’re. Yeah. Fucking Jesus.

Chris: You are possessed by the, the Messiah. Yes. Everyone must bow before thee.

Amanda: Amen.

Chris: So I can see that. It’s almost like if it falls back into the position of under, then there’s just so much Hanging off or whatever. It’s like, yeah. Oh, God. Now you have me questioning this.

Amanda: Yes. Yes.

Chris: Sor.

Amanda: I sou.

Chris: Evil. I, know if only I had some sort of firm reason to be like this.

Amanda: I’m glad that I give you pause, because it means you respect me and you’re taking me seriously.

Chris: Yeah.

Amanda: I will say when I’m at a Airbnb or, like, something or a hotel, you can’t do, like, the nice fold or like, welcome to your hotel room. Like, tuck and like, little decoration. Like, this is a fresh roll of toilet paper. If it’s under, you can’t fucking do that shit. When I’m at home m. It’s wherever I grab it. So if it’s over, it’s over it. I’m not like a hard under person. If it’s over, I’m not gonna be mad at you.

Chris: Right. You’re not gonna, like, take it out and redo it? The fuck did you do?

Amanda: Crispr. Like, I’m not gonna change public toilet paper rulles as like, my rant against society. Like, under is w u. but if I had a preference, it would be under. Like, yeah. Cause you grab it and you, like, rip real quick. And it comes off. it doesn’t keep rolling. It doesn’t, like, disappear, whatever. But in terms of I 400% agree with you about aesthetic, like, yeah, it looks weird under.

Chris: It looks sloppy under. I think where I might be landing, is that for practice, for use, yeah, under is better. But for styling and aesthetics, over is better.

Amanda: Right?

Chris: Yeah. I’m probably gonna continue doing over. It’s hard to change. You know, I’m 40 years old and this is how I do my toilet paper well.

Amanda: And I care so much about what people think of me that I load over just so people don’t hate me. No, I do a little bit. Well, I mean, think about when you’re at a, public bathroom, like Target or something. When you’re pulling, you are pulling from the under direction, not the over direction.

Chris: Yeah. Like, if it has the metal rep placement.

Amanda: Yeah. You’re not pulling from over.

Chris: Fair enough. I’m taking that lesson away here. Is that if you’re putting it under, you’re not just doing it to be a thorn in the side of society.

Amanda: Some people might be right. I’m not.

Chris: Amen. Well, Amanda, I want to thank you so much for joining me today on the podcast. It was really fun to talk about some shared experiences and to, of course, gripe about a few thingsuh, which we, you know that’s not what this podcast is all about, so. No, it’s weird that it came up, but I appreciate that, the title.

Amanda: Is, you know, what’s the name of your podcast?

Chris: It’s can we complain?

Amanda: Yeah.

Chris: So I very much appreciate you leaning into the conversation and helping. you’ve shared things with me today where I actually learned that I’m notnna be so mad about toilet paper. Re under. This is a big deal. This is life changing.

Amanda: Awesome. Winning in life.

Chris: Yes. I mean, I’m 40 years old. I mean, wicked just came out. The world is what it is.

Amanda: What an amazing place.

Chris: And we talked about toilet paper, and you changed to life today.

Amanda: I did not expect that to happen. And I just like what I’m gonna journal about this.

Chris: I was gonna say, maybe you should make it a New Year’s resolution for yourself. Next year is to change more lives.

Amanda: More lives through toilet paper. Cha cha cha Charmin. Be our next sponsor. Thank you.

Chris: That’s amazing.

Amanda: Yeah. That was great.

Chris: Love you, honey.

Amanda: Love you, too. Bye.